Dating Horrors by Sign

Often the scariest evenings are not when there's a creaky floorboard or a ghostly chill, but when you're curled up with your date watching a movie on TV, or when you're on your first vacation with each other and you're about to head to the beach . . . and then it happens! He or she takes off their mask to reveal who they really are, and you'll meet the Mr. (or Ms.!) Hyde you didn't even know you were dating! Here's the worst case scenario for the horoscope sign you're dating.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The werewolf effect with Aries is that they'll transform into self-centered, big-headed monsters that would die before missing an opportunity to talk about themselves. With any and every event that happens to them or even to you, they'll use it as a cue to brag, whine or worry about what's going on in their lives. If you're not smart enough to realize at this point that your relationship is over, you'll be consumed by their one-person ogre show until they find someone else bored, stupid or naïve enough to listen.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

There's a glazed look that can come over a Taurus' face where you just know that you're no longer a lover to them, or even a person. You've become something far less . . . a piece of cake, a tuft of grass, a shank of lamb, or their favorite down pillow with a 3,000 thread count sham and pillow cover. You've become a real object of desire and comfort, rather than your own person.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The change for Gemini starts with their eyes getting shiftier, and then the transformation quickly moves to their extremities. Suddenly, their eyes are everywhere -- except on you -- and their hands are reaching for the ever-ringing cell phone, the Blackberry, the laptop, the fax machine and a cab door all at once. You're either left waiting at the curb, running to catch up or holding the line on the other side of the phone -- alone.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer loves to take care of their lovers. It sounds nice, but sometimes when Cancer wants to take care of you, it can almost feel like the mafia's way of "taking care of you" before they tie the concrete block around your foot. You're being stuffed to the nostrils with food, attention, chocolate, gifts, messages, massages, kisses, cards, e-cards, flowers, photos, brownies and cakes until . . . you . . . can't . . . breathe.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

When Leo does his or her fright show, they chew up the scenery with real melodrama and loud relish. This means that when you address a dating issue with a Lion -- whether it be petty or only somewhat important -- your date may act as if you've plunged a wooden stake deep into their hearts and they'll wail, wallow and thrash as to let the whole world know of your betrayal and treachery.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

The Virgo spook fest almost always starts small. At first, your date may only casually and infrequently critique how you're dressed or make a suggestion about your grammar. But as things progress, you might come to feel as if you've been teleported back in time to the one-room schoolhouse of a chronically constipated 19th century school master, or you've landed on the couch of Sigmund Freud himself and your whole life is subject to psychoanalytic review.