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Dating Horrors by Sign

Uncover the dark side of your date

Often the scariest evenings are not when there's a creaky floorboard or a ghostly chill, but when you're curled up with your date watching a movie on TV, or when you're on your first vacation with each other and you're about to head to the beach . . . and then it happens! He or she takes off their mask to reveal who they really are, and you'll meet the Mr. (or Ms.!) Hyde you didn't even know you were dating! Here's the worst case scenario for the horoscope sign you're dating.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The werewolf effect with Aries is that they'll transform into self-centered, big-headed monsters that would die before missing an opportunity to talk about themselves. With any and every event that happens to them or even to you, they'll use it as a cue to brag, whine or worry about what's going on in their lives. If you're not smart enough to realize at this point that your relationship is over, you'll be consumed by their one-person ogre show until they find someone else bored, stupid or naïve enough to listen.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

There's a glazed look that can come over a Taurus' face where you just know that you're no longer a lover to them, or even a person. You've become something far less . . . a piece of cake, a tuft of grass, a shank of lamb, or their favorite down pillow with a 3,000 thread count sham and pillow cover. You've become a real object of desire and comfort, rather than your own person.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

The change for Gemini starts with their eyes getting shiftier, and then the transformation quickly moves to their extremities. Suddenly, their eyes are everywhere -- except on you -- and their hands are reaching for the ever-ringing cell phone, the Blackberry, the laptop, the fax machine and a cab door all at once. You're either left waiting at the curb, running to catch up or holding the line on the other side of the phone -- alone.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer loves to take care of their lovers. It sounds nice, but sometimes when Cancer wants to take care of you, it can almost feel like the mafia's way of "taking care of you" before they tie the concrete block around your foot. You're being stuffed to the nostrils with food, attention, chocolate, gifts, messages, massages, kisses, cards, e-cards, flowers, photos, brownies and cakes until . . . you . . . can't . . . breathe.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

When Leo does his or her fright show, they chew up the scenery with real melodrama and loud relish. This means that when you address a dating issue with a Lion -- whether it be petty or only somewhat important -- your date may act as if you've plunged a wooden stake deep into their hearts and they'll wail, wallow and thrash as to let the whole world know of your betrayal and treachery.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

The Virgo spook fest almost always starts small. At first, your date may only casually and infrequently critique how you're dressed or make a suggestion about your grammar. But as things progress, you might come to feel as if you've been teleported back in time to the one-room schoolhouse of a chronically constipated 19th century school master, or you've landed on the couch of Sigmund Freud himself and your whole life is subject to psychoanalytic review.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)

No sign struggles more with the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome like Libra. A Libran will smile bright enough to light a cave while making you feel like a heap of toilet paper in a flooded trench. You won't know whether to run from them or kiss 'em for their sado-masochistic charm. Ultimately, they're just indecisive and can't make up their minds about whether to pull you closer or flit off to torture someone else. So they just keep on hangin' on until you bribe them to leave you alone, or they get a better offer.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Whether or not they admit it, Halloween is every Scorpio's favorite holiday. When else can they let their inner geek loose by dressing up as Frodo, Gandalf or Arwen from Lord of the Rings? Even when disguised as Spiderman, a ninja or an evil clown, Scorpio wants you to know that behind the cloak-and-dagger outward appearance is a "good guy" intention just waiting to be appreciated. Start off by offering this probing sign a dossier on someone else in the room, and let the seduction proceed from there.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

The Centaur's love of sport, adventure and philosophy can turn into a real scary movie when he or she mistakes your heart for a soccer ball. It's not that they intend to be malicious when they never introduce you as their girlfriend or boyfriend (as to avoid commitment); or when they wax poetically and philosophically about your need for more intimacy (without giving it); or when they book a week-long vacation to Australia (without you). As they might say, "Stuff just happens."

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Creepicorn is what happens when your Capricorn's blood temperature drops and decides that your best use is as a tool for some plot du jour cooked up in their brains. This sign's fears can go deep and long, so they can turn on you, because they "thought" you might not be up to any good, without any conclusive evidence. So without warning or provocation, the Cap might tell you that your whole dating experience was his or her way to get back at an ex from 20 years ago, without remorse or regret.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

The creep fest with Aquarius is at least a crowded experience. As they love their friends so, Aquarians may never show or let you know how you're different or more special than the gaggle of derelicts, nuts and geeks who masquerade as his or her friends and who seem to follow them at every turn. If you're looking for intimacy at a restaurant or even your own couch, you'd better be prepared to share your date with his or her network at a moment's notice.

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)

The squirm-n-scream appeal of Pisces will at least make you feel like a movie star. It's just that no one told you it was a horror flick. The Pisces will spend an exorbitant amount of time, money (if they have it) or attention on building the perfect set for the movie that is your relationship. As they're especially romantic, they'll even create a musical score. You'll feel wonderful and special. Then, suddenly and most likely through some third party -- like a text message, email, voice mail or gossip columnist -- you'll learn you've been cut out of the movie and your part has even been re-written. The explanation will be lame, so don't try to make sense of it. You won't be invited to the wedding, where your Pisces will again spend an exorbitant amount of time, money …

Tarot Reading from Tarot.comSave the fright for Halloween Night! Get insight with a Celtic Cross Tarot Reading from Tarot.com.


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8 Comments to "Dating Horrors by Sign"
The profile picture for Christine.
Christine says:
Sun, 10/21/2012 - 22:06

Are Libras really all about whats better to come ahead instead of enjoying what they have?

The profile picture for Rottsy.
Rottsy says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 06:29

Still no Libra eh????? *SIGH*

The profile picture for Monisencja.
Monisencja says:
Thu, 10/18/2012 - 03:39

Pisces...so true unfortunately

The profile picture for Dee.
Dee says:
Wed, 11/02/2011 - 06:21

I think Libra really is about Libra.
I am a Libra and have been shocked at how I have to really debate with myself to get "even" and this way is the perfect way I would react if I only allow myself. I was so shocked to find this out about myself when I was young I went for counselling to learn to live with this mean side of me.

But the usual way I have is I ask God to pay attention while I pay attention while life kind of kicks these people around a little. I then allow myself pleasure at seeing their discomfort. Even better revenge.

The profile picture for Dawn.
Dawn says:
Sat, 10/29/2011 - 01:58

Libra is screwed up. Is it correct but with scorpio name instead?

The profile picture for Mychieal.
Mychieal says:
Fri, 10/28/2011 - 22:08

Oh, and a side note: As a Taurus, when my eyes and face glaze over like that, it's not that you've become my favored toy/food/comfort item... it's that if I don't remove you by doing that, I'm likely to see red and charge (figuratively). On the flipside, it's a very useful trait for not having to deal with them any more.

The profile picture for Mychieal.
Mychieal says:
Fri, 10/28/2011 - 22:02

Overall, I enjoyed this. I couldn't help but notice, however, that the one I was looking for was a bit messed up...
"Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)

When the sea-monster that swims around the whirlpool of a Scorpio's heart is aroused over some perceived or actual wrong, it wants nothing but complete, blood-dripping and annihilating revenge on his or her former beloved. Any secrets and tidbits of information that you innocently handed over to your Scorpio date before you roused the Beast can and will be used against you in the courtroom where Scorpio serves as prosecutor, defender, judge, jury and executioner." is all about SCORPIO and not about LIBRA (as the title would lead you)...
Can I please have the one for Libra?

The profile picture for Janice Roe.
Janice Roe says:
Fri, 10/28/2011 - 06:21

I am still laughing. My husband of 38 years is an Aries and this nails him to a tee. He's getting better though. Thanks for the info.

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